A Personal Note

I have hesitated to speak about my true feelings on not being able to have children.  I have always wanted to be remembered or thought of, as the woman who was strong and could handle anything life threw at her.  I tend to cover my true feelings of hurt and anger with a smile and an, "I am doing fine,"  when in reality, I am only a survivor instead of a victor. 


I remember growing up rocking my baby dolls to sleep well into my teenage years, day dreaming of the day I would become a mother.  I visualized packing my kid's lunches for school, helping them with homework, and tucking them into bed each night.  There was always a thought in my head, "What would I do if I couldn't get pregnant?" I always tried to bury it. I read several novels about women who went through the trial of infertility and I prayed I wouldn't be one of those poor women.  During my high school and college years, this underlying fear became more vivid. I had several cysts rupture on my ovaries which led to several trips to the ER. Although I remember the physical pain clearly, what I remember most was the fear of maybe having it be difficult to get pregnant when that time came in my life.


I met Steve a few years later.  We dated, fell in love, and got married.  We were married August 1st, 2008.  On September 25th, 2008 I wrote in my journal, "Steve and I have decided to start our family. We are so EXCITED.  I ache to be a mother and I hope I get pregnant this month....my biggest fear in life is not being able to have kids. That would be so hard for me. I would struggle with that but I would make it."  On July 7th, 2009 I wrote, "Steve and I are still trying to have children; we have been trying for 11 months.  We have had many doctor visits and they don't know what is wrong.  I have more tests scheduled.  I am a nervous wreck, but Steve and I are holding strong to each other and the gospel." On July 12th, 2009 I wrote, "I am really struggling with not being able to get pregnant.  There is not a Sunday that goes by that I don't shed a tear, or two, or hundreds out of sadness and aching for a child. I am a school teacher and a primary teacher, I LIVE FOR KIDS...yet I don't have any.  Steve held a baby during sacrament meeting today, he looked so good as a "dad".  He will make an awesome father and I know that he really wants to be a dad.  I am scared that at some moment Steve will be angry at me because we probably won't be able to have kids. I feel I am denying him the power of procreation.  I hope if he ever feels this way he will forgive me.  I am so scared...and I have a hard time sharing my true feelings with people.  I feel like I am holding my breath each month."  As I went from doctor to doctor and specialist to specialist the intensity of the roller coaster of infertility increased.


When I was diagnosed with infertility my world crashed around me for I felt  my womanhood  had been stripped from me.  I was broken. 

We are taught about the Grief Cycle and the steps that one will go through from start to finish.  We start with shock and denial, and then proceed to anger, followed by depression and detachment, which leads to dialogue and bargaining, and then we jump to acceptance where we can finally get back to a meaningful life.  Many say we have to follow this cycle in order, others say we may jump around and revisit several steps over and over again.  

When I realized that one of my trials in life was going to be infertility I was thrown into this grief cycle.  As for me, I don’t follow this cycle in order; there is no sequence of steps to this cycle.  In my feelings I see no patterns or reason.   I jump from step to step.  Sometimes I am in a step for a few days or weeks, and sometimes I am shoved from one feeling or step to another in a matter of seconds.  I feel at times I have feelings that I cannot control.  I can control my actions, but my feelings are fed with a fuel that I don’t always have power over.


I still struggle with these feelings, but I have found comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I still cry on Mother's Day, I still hold as many babies as I can, I don't attend baby showers, and when people announce they are pregnant I am thrilled for them but I still get a surge of pain in my heart.  I know God created me and He has a plan for me;  He does not make mistakes.  I am a survivor.  I have not let infertility overcome me.  I know I will be a mother someday.  I am so thankful for women who find themselves pregnant unexpectedly and choose to place their baby for adoption.  It takes a lot of courage.  It's women like that, who can make women like me whole.  
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